I'm no stranger to pain.
Since I was a kid I've broken bones (leg and skull) had countless ligament and tendon sprains and for most of the last two decade have suffered from chronic fatigue. When I've mentioned that to a doctor I've been told I need to work on my fitness, lose weight and things will get better.
Things never did get better.
Every day, every step became more of a trudge. I was in pain. I put it down to lack of fitness so tried to go to a gym and worked as hard as I could. Then I got home and tightened up, the pain level was so severe that I couldn't leave home for a week.
Over the years I've enjoyed travel but for every day I backpacked there was another day (or three) that I was curled up in my hotel/hostel room reading a book or doing low energy activities in the immediate area. It meant that my heart was hiking but my head said I could only hang about cafés and bars. Now I'm not criticising coffee shop society but I wanted to live as well. For every great story I could share there were so many pages edited out where I overplanned or found excuses not to do something that day.
People called me boring. People called me lazy. I had no reason why I couldn't keep up with other people. I blamed myself - my weight, my lack of fitness. What I didn't do is consider the pain to be a symptom rather than a consequence.
Now I don't want this to be about past regrets. Over the years I've travelled around over two dozen countries in Europe, North America and Asia. I have hopes to travel again in the future and have many more friends around the world than I do at home. The experiences I've had have been more than many people experience in their life. I can't criticise that. I'm glad I travelled when I was young enough to do so, I can't say I haven't lived.
Let's get back on topic - the pain.
When did it start? I guess at school when I wasn't able to do distance running. I would amble around the cross country route or not really care when being lapped on a track when I hadn't completed 400 metres. I was doing it because I had to rather than because I wanted to. I was called lazy - water off a duck's back really, I was at school to learn and the punishment of running sports just weren't my thing. I'd opt for contact or semi-contact sports such as rugby, hockey and football. I'd avoid sports where I needed to run such as baseball or cricket (if I had to play I'd drift off to outfield and chat with a friend). When I played football or rugby it didn't take much to be injured - I'd hurt a muscle or, more often, a joint. The teacher in charge just snarled at me to get up and get on with it or ignored it when I was flat on the ground in pain. Of course someone who is 'lazy' couldn't be genuinely injured. I still enjoyed playing, especially rugby as I was technically quite good as a prop forward. Had I known my later diagnosis contact sports would have been restricted but it was probably for the best as the alternative would have been running more, which seemed to make me worse.
When I was 16 I was in a car accident. I walked in front of a car when my mind was on my final exams. Until now I'll take the majority of the tort of blame however the driver should have been more aware that he was driving past a clearly marked school bus so also maintain he should share some of the blame as well. I broke my leg and fractured my skull. It took me about five YEARS to fully recover and even then I had a limp. I didn't bother going to physio or follow up appointments at hospital as I felt I could recover best my own way (I was 16). I tried to continue education but the severe pain and chronic insomnia messed up my first four attempts in consecutive years. The one way I found some normality was by going to football matches once the most severe headaches had subsided, even today I'm a huge supporter of Ipswich Town FC.
Now I really don't want to go through my work history but by 21 I was able to work and got an offer in London and initially spent weekdays in London and the weekend in Ipswich. I would walk about 3-4 miles most days, I felt quite well. I still had a limp and got tired after a few days and learnt that if I walked a lot then I'd need to rest about one day in three. While I wasn't working I could pace myself, as soon as I was I'd been totally wrecked by Thursday and work as little as I could. Also if I had a busy weekend (or two non-working days if I worked the weekend) then I'd be shattered on the first day I went back. I was convinced that this was due to my fitness not being ideal and carrying too much weight (although my weight at 21 was low enough that it wasn't considered to be significantly medically relevant.
It continued like this until I was in my mid-20s. Then the sledgehammer hit. I found I was totally unable to walk more than two miles, I was totally shattered at work. Hills became mountains. Every year it got a little bit worse.
By my 30s walking even one mile to work exhausted me, I wasn't working as I should and I felt really bad about myself. When I was 32 I had Malaria (obviously not caught in Ipswich but let's keep this on topic) [although it could have been Dengue Fever as the symptoms are similar] - I was unable to move at all. I didn't walk, going to the bathroom took an hour to plan (it was about 10 metres away), I was absolute agony. With the help of a street vendor I managed to get a small meal delivered to my home twice every day, I had no appetite for more. I never fully recovered. Since then (2007) walking any distance became a chore. Standing up for long periods made me exhausted. Sure, I got tired as a teenager and in my early 20s but this was something different.
I presumed it was related to my illness and looked at options that have long term symptoms from a tropical disease and I couldn't find anything. Through 2008-2012 I worked/studied through intense pain, everything hurt almost all the time. I was a mess.
Last year (2013) I decided to return to university rather than continue with this pain. I thought resting for a few months before starting would help me recover. I started at Aberystwyth in September. Within days I realised I was going to struggle with the Welsh hills but people told me that once you've walked them a few times the body will adapt, you'll get fitter and healthier. The opposite happened. I totally seized up, rather than enjoy my time as a student I locked myself in my room playing computer games and watching DVDs. I attended all the lectures, I went to the student bars, I had a few drinks, I collapsed into a taxi in pain. As it was a teacher training course it meant needing to go on a school placement. I lasted only six weeks before concluding that I can't do this any more the pain was too much and I put in a temporary withdrawal.
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